Echoes of My Odyssey

Echoes of My Odyssey

If you followed my journey for some time, you know that Jesus was the essence of my entire life, and the purpose of my existence was made up of Him. Literally. I was obsessed with the Bible, with every single word written in it. I didn’t go anywhere without my “collection of letters from God,” as I referred to the Bible then.  It was on my desk during my office work hours, in my purse while I was shopping, and even when just making a run to the grocery store. Today, my Bible looks like it is over 100 years old because of how many days and nights I poured over it, trying to make sense of it. The pages of the ancient book are stained in many tears, and every stain tells a different story. Some, testify of the painful heartbreaks and hardships I endured, others are marked with tears of unspeakable joy, of an unearthly bliss that would often surge through me as I would ponder on the written words, as I would grow one with the gratitude I experienced. Some pages are stained in coffee, reminding me of the times I would sit countless hours in local coffee shops, sipping on my favorite cup of aromatic poison, studying, reading, and falling more and more in love with the God whom I believed was my creator, whom I knew as my refuge. Most pages are colorful, a majority of the passages highlighted, and every color signifies its own meaning.

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Throughout my journey as a Christian, I went from one denomination to the next. I wasn’t unstable in my faith, nor was I chasing the next trend of Christianity like some prefer to assume. I understand why they prefer to assume though, it makes explaining my deconversion much easier that way. It allows them to avoid the hard questions, and the lie gives them shelter. It provides an illusion. That illusion justifies their slander and fuels their gossip.

The truth is, I went from one denomination to the next because I read the Bible, because I loved the Bible, and because I sought to know it. I’ve read it from cover to cover numerous times, and when I would come across passages that clearly went against the teachings of the denomination I was a part of, I had to choose between what was written in the Bible, and the denomination I was a part of. I was raised in a Semi-Pelagian Pentecostal church, I learned to read at the age of five because I was determined to read the book of Revelation. My dad forbade others to read it to me, because he thought I was much too young to understand it, and he didn’t want me having nightmares, nor did he want my imagination to run wild, I assume. So I learned to read, and read it myself. I also read it to my little sisters, who were even younger than me. But that’s another story.

I am in the process of writing my deconversion story, which is much more detailed, and answers many of the questions I received from many of you, regarding what changed my heart, what caused me to doubt, and what made me lose my faith.  So I won’t go into much detail here. The point is, that as I read the Bible, as I continued studying it, I was forced to go from one denomination to the next, in order to keep my faith and make sense of the contradictions and inconsistencies I would come across. My Christian journey ended at the hill of Calvinism. My questions paved a pathway to the Reformers, and my answers led me to cessationism and Calvinism. I thought I finally had the answers I was searching for, because Calvinism gave me answers no other branch of Christianity could, Calvinism was able to bridge the Old and the New Testament, smooth out many inconsistencies, clarify many contradictions, and give all glory to Jesus in the end. I was in “theology heaven” and I was drowning in the beautiful ocean of grace. Until I had more questions, until I started to see other inconsistencies, and run into other contradictions. Until I found the shore once again. But that again, is a story for another day.

In this particular blog, I want to address a handful of the most common questions I receive almost on a daily basis. I know my deconversion came as a shock to many, but believe me, it was much more of a shock to me. To others, it wasn’t a shock at all, because ever since I first left my Pentecostal church, and refused to beg God for the “gift of tongues,” they were certain, I was already in the claws of the devil.

I do not mean to start any kind of debate with this blog, nor do I intend to shake any faith. I have no intention of convincing anyone to abandon their own journey, or their own truth. I am simply answering a few questions, based on where I am today. For some reason, people assume that just because I no longer believe in the things I used to, I no longer have a meaning in life and that I no longer have a purpose. It is these questions I would like to address.

 

“Is the purpose of our lives something you think about, have you drawn any conclusions?”

Yes, I do think about the purpose of life, and my life in particular, and the more I think about it, the more simple I think it becomes. The purpose of life is to live. To experience life, to breathe, to travel, to love, to create, to make life beautiful around us, to help others, to inspire and be inspired, to learn, to grow. To ask questions, to seek answers, to make mistakes and then to fix them. To savor every moment. To become breathless at the shore of the ocean, to be paralyzed by awe when looking up into the tattooed, sparkling night sky, to recognize the constellations. To be embraced by the rays of the sun, to taste the saltiness of the ocean, and then the saltiness of my own tears. To dance in the showers of the rain, and walk through heaps of colorful leaves. To burn my finger at the hungry flame of fire, and to shiver in the cold of the winter. To inhale the perfume of fresh flowers, to breathe in the aroma of books, old and new, and to open all the windows allowing the fragrance of the air after a spring shower to linger. To be a daughter, to be a granddaughter, to be a sister, to be a cousin, to be an aunt, to be a friend, to be a wife. To feel the butterflies awaken in the presence of a beautiful man, to kiss, to make out, to make love, to taste wine, to brew coffee, to find a favorite loose leaf tea, a favorite painter, and a favorite composer.

I think as a Christian, I missed so much of it, because the purpose then was to prepare to live in the afterlife, to look towards the afterlife, constantly focusing on eternity, and in the process robbing myself of what life is really about. Even the most beautiful of moments, the deepest of feelings, the most passionate of emotions were dulled down with, “heaven will be so much better.

Perhaps, the beauty of life is just that, that it ends.

 

“Why would we be here if not for something greater?”

We do not appreciate how great it is that we are here. We overlook the majesty and greatness around us, everyday. When I started looking into evolution, and the complexity and beauty of life, of existence, the greatness of the cosmos, I was crippled by awe. The universe is great, the process of evolution is astounding, and when we look at the world around us, we realize how much greatness we are already living in. We are just used to it, accustomed to it, so we often fail to notice it. And somehow a magic man in the sky creating all this in 6 days seems greater to us, than the detail, beauty, and complexity of nature and evolution. If you want to be here for something greater, go stand on the shore of an ocean and listen to it roar. Go out into the desert and look up at the night sky. We are living among greatness, yet, so many of us are still blind to it. 

 

“I have a problem with being alive and having no other purpose other than to do good deeds, eat well, learn many things, and die.”

Were you depressed before you were born? Where were you before you were born? And are you depressed knowing that you might have not existed? If not, then why are you worried about dying into nothing, into a place of no consciousness? For me it was a much bigger problem believing that when I die, I will know that so many of my friends and family are eternally being tortured in hell, by the very same God who claims to love me. I could never imagine being happy in heaven, because I knew so many others would be in agonizing pain and suffering… forever. In response, I was told that my mind would be wiped and I wouldn’t remember those I loved on earth, and the feeling of bliss will wash over the feeling of love and pain for those I lost to hell. But I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to forget the people I loved, I didn’t want my mind to be wiped clean so I would no longer remember them. They were part of my journey, of my odyssey, of my story, and my heart was made up of them. So that was a much bigger dilemma for me, than the one I am leaning towards now. To go where I came from. I am just amazed at what I get to experience now, today, in this moment. I was unconscious until only 29 years ago, I have no idea where I was, and I am ok, not knowing.

Beautiful things end, and that’s ok. That’s what makes so many things priceless, because they are here for only a short while and then they are gone. This makes me invest in every friendship I truly care about, to love those around me deeper than ever, to remind them that I love them, because I don’t have the luxury of being careless, and catching up with all of them in a heaven. Now is all we have. Recognizing this made me redo my life, throw out things that didn’t matter, and fill it with things that did. To cut out the people who brought pain, negativity, and suffering into my life, and dedicate more of my time and energy to the people who help me grow, who challenge me, and who truly care for me. I want to see as much as I can, to travel to as many places as I can, to love as deeply as I can, to experience as much as I can in this lifetime, and to taste every moment, because I do not know if there is anything else after this life, and I am okay with that. The quality of my life drastically improved, and I appreciate the little things around me, and every new discovery takes my breath away.

 

Are you scared of being wrong?

I am not scared of being wrong. If there is a God and he knows my heart, he knows how I called out to him, he knows how much I want the truth, he knows that I would be willing to sacrifice it all for him, if he were real. And if he is a good God, I do not believe he would send me to hell for not finding the evidence for his existence. I tried, believe me I tried. If there is a God, which I am open to, I do not believe he is the God of the bible, because the God of the bible can not be a good God.

 

“Do you think you know more than god? And do you think the scientists and historians know more than god?”

I was 27 when I encountered doubt, and I do not assume to know more than an almighty God, but I would assume that an almighty God knows more than the scientists, the archaeologists, and the historians, but the God who supposedly authored the Bible, does not.

 

“Christianity has lots of issues when it comes to the Bible I agree, but in my own family and church, I love many things about it, like how my parents treat us, and the morals we have, did you change when you lost your faith? Like your morals?”

There is much I love about Christianity too, but that is mostly our culture you love, because if you read the Bible, if you study the history of Christianity, it changes with the times. There is good in Christianity and there is bad. There is good and bad in every culture, in every religion, in every faith. Since becoming an agnostic, I haven’t really changed in my morality, I value my family, I still hate divorce in most cases, I still hate abortion, I still love and cherish my friends. I still hate swearing, I don’t get drunk or do drugs, I don’t steal, or cheat, I don’t litter, and I care for animals. I actually feel like I have become a much better person, and definitely less judgmental. I now know that I am not accountable to a man in the sky, and no one is watching me. I am accountable to myself, and no one can forgive me but me. I can’t just get on my knees, ask for forgiveness and wipe my slate clean. I am deciding to be a better person for me, not because someone is watching me, not because I fear a hell, and not because I am anticipating a reward, but because I want to make this world better, kinder, and more beautiful. I am accountable to myself, and I am the one who has to live with myself.  (Well my husband does too, but he’s much more accepting) 



24 thoughts on “Echoes of My Odyssey”

  • Love this- don’t ever change. You are going through a beautiful season and getting closer, in your journey, to your truth; the truth, I believe, God/universe whatever- wants you to experience.

    I can empathize with your story on many levels. One conclusion I found is that the Bible, to me, seems like a collection of misinterpreted experiences by “carried shame” in order for one to feel like they’ve figured it out or have power over another. In other words, it is not a bad game of telephone, but yet a misguided emotion driven by a self seeking purpose. It has been said that we meant it for evil but God meant it for good…

    I think we’ve interpreted what God has said incorrectly but only to show that we are not perfect; that we cannot be perfect because we do not live in a non-hostile universe. Think about it. We will and always will reflect God’s/Universe’s light less than the source. And it is because the mirror in which we use was constructed in a vacuum; a place where one is only permitted fragments of a mirror to do so.

    The idea of Hell- was man made. This does not mean that when we die “nothing” happens. It’s just that there is, within this fragmented reflection, a bit of truth. That is a whole other cup of Joe to discuss. I rather hate the idea of fairy-tales to scare the young.

    Anyway, you know that which is true. I like how Paul (you know who I’m talking about, wink wink) put it “that we know the truth from within and always have; that it is in our hearts”.

    The Bible can be terrifying and I don’t think that God means to scare us but rather in some odd way he has permitted a wives tale to keep us from sitting to close to the TV. That could be, not to keep us from going blind, but maybe because others can’t see it if we’re blocking the damn thing…

    I too have set down all of my originating beliefs about the God of the Bible many years ago. It is just now that once I’ve committed to reality, much like you are doing Ina, I’ve began to be set free. The truth is here not there. The truth is found in reality. Like, we have feelings and yet every day we ignore, minimize or medicate them. This is what saddens me most about the world and what I go through time to time. And you are brave for stepping out of the box and I believe your fearlessness will ultimately be a guiding light to contribute what you can offer to this world.

    Thank you,
    Dave

  • hi Inna. I do not know you, but when I saw your post in my news feed (via one of the Yasinsky sisters I think) I had to read it. It’s definitely a different world to read what you went through and continue to experience. I love your non judgemental and open mind. I would like to offer some insight, if you will. There are many things that confuse me about the bible. However, I was always taught that no question that you ask of God will go unanswered. Also, I think that God is too big for our small minds to comprehend. But lastly, I think that the Holy Spirit is what makes the bible so different from every other book. Without the Holy Spirit, it’s just a bunch of words on a page that- like you said- don’t make sense! With the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the words have life and we are able to comprehend them. I personally do not categorize myself under any one denomination (I feel it is just a way to separate and give each other a reason to argue) however, I must say that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are a team. One cannot be without the other. They all play extremely important roles. I am so grateful for your transparency and I truly think that your search is more meaningful than complacency that most (esp. Russian Christians) tend to adopt. I grew up in a Russian church and noticed that most people go to church and all that jazz because their parents did. It is healthy for your faith (or doubt) to be challenged. Thank you kindly for sharing your experience.

    • Hi darling, I appreciate your kind approach. God may too great for our small minds to comprehend, and his ways may be beyond our logic, but like R.C Sproul once said:

      “I certainly agree that God is bigger than logic and that faith is higher than reason. I agree with all of my heart and with all my head. What I want to avoid is a God who is smaller than logic and a faith that is lower than reason. A God who is smaller than logic would be and should be destroyed by logic. A faith that is lower than reason is irrational and absurd.”

      Sadly, when it comes to the Bible, reason is higher than the faith required, and God is smaller than logic. There are just too many contradictions and inconsistencies in the Bible. And with or without the Holy Spirit, God still demands murder of babies and little children, He still demands genocide, He still promotes racism, slavery, and condones rape, and in the New Testament, He claims to be loving and to hate the very things he himself does in the Old.

      Whether with or without the Holy Spirit, 2 Samuel 24:13 will still say that it was 7 years of famine, while 1 Chronicles 21:11 will say it was actually 3. 2 Samuel 24 will still say that it was God who moved David to anger, and 1 Chronicles 21 will contradict and say it was actually Satan, and unless God and Satan are the same entity, it will remain a contradiction. And 2 Kings and 2 Chronicles will continue to be at war regarding the age of Ahaziah regarding at what age he began his reign. And 1 King and 2 Chronicles will always disagree about what year of Asa’s reign did Baasha die. We will still wonder how the kangaroos hopped across the ocean, if the story of Noah was literal. And this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the contradictions and inconsistencies of the Bible. And sure, these things may not be very important, and in a regular book of fiction they wouldn’t be, but when it comes to the book authored by God, who is perfect and whose word is inerrant, this becomes very important.

        • Hi Olga, unfortunately, the New Testament, just like the Old Testament is also filled with many contradictions and inconsistencies. However, I still love the person of Jesus, and do agree with most of his teachings. I think there are pearls of wisdom in the New Testament. If you truly want to study the New Testament for yourself, I recommend you go through this Yale course:

    • Hi Luda, I am not sure why I would need to get on my knees to ask for forgiveness. If I wrong someone, or say something that hurts someone, then I go and ask the person I have wronged for forgiveness. When I wrong myself, I forgive myself. I don’t get on my knees and wish away the wrong I have done, instead I confront it, and I fix it.

  • It seems to me that you are judging God yourself. You are not the creator of the universe to understand his ways, you never will. Thats why we have faith, you either have it or you don’t. Also.. you are nearly saying you will live for no purpose but just to live.. sure.. then why bring the bible into it you can either accept the bible as a whole, or don’t but to pick and choose what you want to fit into your life makes no sense. As for the question of why and for what reason are we alive I like how Paul when he addressed the philosophers in Greece he said Acts 17:27 “God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ Not sure what you get from this passage but I believe our purpose for living is to have a relationship with God.

    • Hi Erica, you are absolutely right, I am not the creator of the universe, and I will probably never know for certain, how or why the universe came to be. I would however hope that the creator of the universe knew how it came to be, or how it works.

      True, I am probably judging the God of the Bible in a sense, how can I not? If a God claims to be all loving, but then demands genocide, the killing of infants, for pregnant women to be cut open, condones rape and slavery, I am able to judge that those things are not loving. Therefore, there is an error here, either in humans who translated the Bible, the God of the Bible doesn’t exist, or he isn’t very loving. Besides, there are hundreds of versions of the Bible. The Bible evolved with humanity, and has been translated through different manuscripts. So when you say you have to believe in the Bible as a “whole”, I’d ask you which one?

      The Bible borrows many of its writing from much earlier writings, and other books, that were written way before the Bible, that have the same and similar ideas as the Bible. So of course I can choose parts of the Bible that I find beneficial to my life and growth, just like I can take certain parts from other religious books that speak of love, kindness, wisdom, sincerity, etc, and also apply them to my life. I think it makes perfect sense. Yes, the purpose is to live, but life requires growth, and reading is a great source of that growth.

  • One question for you.. I understand that you liked to study the bible but have you ever actually had prayers answered? Have you actually felt God? I mean have you had a relationship with God?.. (just like you have with your husband, friends,etc) just curious.. since you are being so honest here..

    • I thought I did when I prayed, but prayers are always answered, it can be God or it may be chance, but they’ll always be answered right? It will be yes, no, or not now. So if by chance you pray for something and get it, it will be a “yes”. If you pray for something and don’t get it, it will be a “no”. If you pray for something, and don’t know if you will get it in the future, then it’s probably “not now”. God and chance have much in common.

      Of course I felt God and I’ve definitely had a relationship with God. Just like any devout Muslim has a relationship with his god, and any passionate Hindu has a relationship with his god.

      Was it equal to the one I have with my husband or friends? No, not even close. It was much more powerful, it was much more intimate, much more passionate, much more raw. It was more like the relationship I have with myself, for god knew the depths of me, he knew every single feeling, every single thought, every single emotion or the birth of an emotion, he knew the depths of me like my husband or my friends can never know. Here is the blog I kept as a Christian. You can get a glimpse of my relationship with god from the outside:

      https://pickmetulipsblog.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/my-funeral/

      • So now that you categorize yourself as agnostic, you think the relationship that you had with God was a figment of your imagination? Or you just struggle to understand the bible but still believe there is a God…

        • Now that I categorize myself as an agnostic, (actually a Humanist agnostic to be more precise) I can admit that yes, the relationship I had with God, was a relationship I had with myself, in the same way every religion, and every person within every denomination have a relationship with their own version of God. I do not know what I believe in regards to there being a God, I am open to it, and quite honestly I truly, really hope there is a God. I really want there to be a being out there who deeply cares for humanity, but at this point of my life, I can not say that I believe there is. However, I am very open to the possibility and I will accept it with all of my heart, if it is true. I am not closing any doors, and I am not denying the possibility of there being a God. I am having really, really high doubts that it is the Christian God though. But again, I am open to being wrong. That is why I am facing my doubts head on, and confronting myself, by asking questions, and searching for the truth in awe and wonder.

          Here is a video that may explain how I feel about my relationship with God:

          • Thanks for the reply.. this a quite interesting.. I am very confused of how you could have really known God in order for you to doubt Him so much now?.. Maybe you didn’t . If you call it like it is.. you never knew God. If you say that you hope there is a God, then I hope you continue to look for Him.

            Basically then you put yourself into a category of no knowledge? gnostic (from Ancient Greek ἀ- (a-), meaning “without”, and γνῶσις (gnōsis), meaning “knowledge”) So you are confused and and have no faith.

            Also about the part of heaven and hell.. you say that would not be just of God to send the people that you care about to hell. Well then would you prefer if everybody went to heaven? Is that just?

            Did you ever think that maybe the horrible things that happened in the bible are not all bad because through the bad came the ultimate good? Similar to giving birth, it is hard and painful but the end result in beautiful and worth it.

          • Maybe you’re right, maybe I didn’t. However, in that moment, less than two years ago, I was sure I did. I would be willing to sacrifice it all, for the sake of Jesus. I was that certain. To me, Jesus, the Bible, God, the Holy Spirit was everything. I built my entire life on it. I felt him, I heard him, and he was the entire sum and purpose of my existence. Now, in retrospect, I can see how my passion, my assurance, my feelings and emotions can be explained through simple psychology, and now I can admit that perhaps, it was all in my head. I wanted it to be true, and I made it my reality. Back then, I would die denying it.

            Due to the fact that my main source of knowledge about God, about Jesus, came from the Bible, which I believed to be his word, when the Bible started falling apart in front of me, and the more I read it, the more inconsistencies and contradictions I saw, my faith took a big hit. It was the Bible that birthed my faith, and it was the Bible that killed it. I clung onto my faith for as long as I could. To admit that I might be wrong, to admit that I was passionately in love with a god that might not really exist, was the hardest thing I had to do in life, but it was the only honest thing to do. I did not have a bad experience as a Christian, I had no desire to go out and do worldly things, I still don’t, I loved being in love with God, I loved worshipping Jesus, and I pushed my doubt away for as long as I could. Losing my faith was not a choice, and if it were, I would never, ever choose it.

            Yes, I don’t have knowledge. I don’t have knowledge about many things in this world, and I won’t pretend I do. I am however open to the truth, and I will pursue the truth. And if that journey leads me to a creator, I will wholeheartedly embrace him and worship him. And if there is a god, he knows my heart.

            When it comes to heaven and hell, If we entertain the idea of the God of the Bible, who sends many to hell, then I do not think it is just at all. Especially when we read Romans 9 where he claims to have predestined some for hell. If god is all knowing, then god knew who would be burning in hell for eternity, that means in creating them, he created them for hell, knowing they could never make it to heaven. To me that sounds cruel. Especially when I acknowledge that these people aren’t just numbers but are my friends, my relatives, my family, whom I deeply love. No matter how we go about it, and even if we find the devil to blame, it was God who created the devil, knowing what he will do to humanity, and he allowed it. And if we take the entire bible, the devil caused about 10 deaths, with God’s permission, while God is responsible for thousands upon thousands of deaths.

            My dear girl, yes I have thought that it was through the horrible things that God had to cause, in order to bring the ultimate good, in fact I used that line of reasoning for years in response to those who questioned God. It was a way I could brush this all off, and make sense of it. But honestly. think about it, if it was your pregnant mom God demanded to be cut open, if it was your dad, whom he demanded to be killed, if it was your sister that was chopped to bits and sent across the nation in pieces tied to a horse, if it was you who was shaved bald, raped and forced to be a concubine, to some sick old but a “godly Israelite” man, would you really say, these are birth pains of something good? This is God, we are talking about, nt a man with no other way out. A god who claims to be a God of love. This can not compare to someone giving birth, it’s plain evil.

  • I understand what you are saying. It makes sense. I can not explain these things in the bible as well. However I still choose to believe that God knows better than me even if it is cruel. I will pray for you to see God and feel him and know him to the extent that your faith will not be shaken. It is possible that just as you decided to be an agnostic you will change based on your experiences and knowledge. Have you ever prayed to God to make himself be known to you, in a way that can not be explained by psychology? I remember when I went to school and I was taking a test and I did not study at all I bowed my head and said a quick prayer God if you exist help me pass this test. I clearly remember that when that test came back I had 95%, I was surprised because I knew that I could not have done that by myself I literally guessed every answer. It is silly and back in high school I had little faith but thought my life there have been situations like that where I felt the divine works that only God could have done. Have you ever had that? How about your parents what do they say to you when you ask them these questions that you have about the bible?

    • My darling, if only you knew how hard it was for me to let go of my faith. I prayed and I prayed before I let go, it was really hard for me to give it up, and I begged God to intervene if He existed, and give me the evidence, or any reason to believe and to cling onto my faith. But there was silence. There is still silence, and my heart is still open.

      As for my parents, I never asked them these questions. My parents aren’t Bible scholars, they have not dedicated their lives to studying theology, so it would be unfair of me to demand an answer from them. I would rather trust a Bible scholar, an Apologist, or a theologian to answer these questions for me, but so far, all of the answers are lacking, or simply don’t exist.

  • Wow. I thought Yuriy was an amazing writer, and then I read this:

    “Perhaps, the beauty of life is just that, that it ends.”

    I may have to take a break just to contemplate that for awhile. A beautiful thought, thanks!

  • Hi Inna I don’t know how but I randomly stumbled onto your blog and started reading it and read your about experience… Please hear my heart out on this I’m not trying to condemn you but just a couple questions arose in me as I was reading… To the first paragraph you wrote about the purpose of life, I believe that, that can all be lived out with God, I love how you had a passion for the Bible because I am the same way but before I understood the reality of the gospel I was caught up in a religious church and because of that I would read the Bible and have plenty of knowledge on it but I never had an understanding of it… I never acknowledged the holy spirit to help me so all I was left with was stories that I didn’t understand, but the reality is that there is so much freedom so much joy in the whole thing when I started to understand scripture my mind was renewed and my conscience was cleansed it was like something started clicking and I was activated in the gifts of the spirit and started to prophesy and prayed for people on the streets and started seeing life in them my favorite was when I prayed for a girl that had a leg that was shorter than the other and I sat her down and told her Jesus is going to grow your leg out and you’re going to no longer have pain in your back… I prayed a 20 second prayer and saw this girls leg grow out in front of my eyes I was in shock in 1 Corinthians 4:20 it says “the kingdom is not a matter of talk but of power” and Holy spirit allowes the power of the gospel to flow through us because it’s literally the spirit of God living in us… I’m just sold out for this thing and I really believe the Bible is the word of God but if you read it just for knowledge without understanding it, it’s very hard to see it start manifesting in your life, I’m sorry for the long “question” ? I hope you really hear my heart in this I just feel like you haven’t had the fullness of it and it’s really awesome when you do! Thank you!:)

    • Hi darling, I am not sure what exactly your question was.

      I did not write this to demean your journey, or belittle your experience, I wrote it to simply share mine with my readers who once knew me as a very passionate voice for the gospel. I didn’t want to pretend and fool people into thinking I was someone I am not. I’ve had many encounters with the “spiritual realm”, and I’ve experienced things I couldn’t explain. At first it made my faith stronger, but then, the more I looked into it, the more I studied these “miraculous experiences” case by case, the more logical, psychological, and scientific explanations I found. Eventually, I could explain them all, through the language of reason and science. That didn’t stop me from loving Jesus and the Bible though, in fact, I fell in love with him even more. I didn’t need signs, miracles, and wonders to prove anything to me. I had faith in His word, in the cross, in Him. If you want to read my conversion story, and my journey and heart as a Christian, you are welcome to, because now, looking back, I can never explain my heart in a way my poetry, my thoughts, and my cries in that time could. Here is my Christian blog, feel free to look through the archives:
      https://pickmetulipsblog.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/my-funeral/

      As for what broke my faith? It was the Bible. It was one of the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through. One of the ugliest breakups, and a painful divorce.

      Since I was a child, I was trained how to properly read the Bible, how to conveniently gloss over the Old Testament passages where God threatens mothers with making them eat their own children, where this same God demands murder of babies, slaughter of pregnant women, and where He condones rape and slavery. I justified it with the “it’s the Old Testament” line. Sure, the testament may be old, but the God is one and the same. So when I finally read it again, for probably the 100th time, I couldn’t use the same tricks to deceive myself any longer. I was honest with myself. The feeling was so painful, it was like being married your entire life to a man whom you honored, loved and trusted, and one day finding out that the man you loved was actually a murderer, a thief, a liar, a rapist. THat’s how I felt. I felt as if a mask fell off the God I so dearly loved, and I was horrified.

      Then, the more I looked at Him, this God, the clearer His evolution was. God evolved with time, with humanity. The God christians believe in now, is an entirely different God than the Old Testament Israel believed in, He is an entirely different God than the apostles worshiped, he has transformed greatly from the God the Catholic church burned witches and heretics for. And to be honest, I like the God of today, however, if I am honest, it is not the God that I like, it’s the people, it’s our society, our culture, our humanity. We changed from our barbaric ways, and so has our God. I realize now, that the God I loved was the summary of all the goodness and beauty I saw and wanted in this world.

      However, I may be wrong, and maybe I got the entire thing wrong, and maybe I’m still not reading the Bible properly, and maybe you’re right, maybe I haven’t had the fullness of it. And I’m open to that. If there is a God, and if he is truly loving, and good, then He knows my heart. And He knows I only want the truth, and if He is true, I will give it all up for Him, and He knows how to open my heart and eyes to see that. I don’t have any evil, secret intentions, I just want to be completely honest with myself, and others, and if He is God, He knows that. He knows how hard I fought to keep my faith.

      Thanks again for your kindness, have a lovely day.

  • I don’t see much about Jesus Christ in your blog. Did you ever believe in the trinity?
    Also I see why an intelligent person like yourself can walk away from the truth you once believed in. You didn’t have a solid foundation since based on your writing, speaking in tongs was demanded of you. It looks like it was bigger than repenting and being baptized (which are the first two most important).

    Simply studying the Bible will make you question and doubt because some things are only revealed to people by the spirit. So balancing with praying while studying the Bible will disqualify doubts and questions. So if you decide that you will study the Bible for 1 hour. You must pray for 30 minutes and study the word for 30 minutes.

    • Hi Natasha, I started this blog after leaving Christianity, so there isn’t much about Jesus Christ here, aside from my poetry, which I transferred over from my old blog. If you are curious about my beliefs as a Christian, feel free to go through the archives of my old blog. You can go through them month by month in the archive section on the left: https://pickmetulipsblog.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/my-funeral/

      When it comes to your diagnosis of my foundation, you misunderstood me. Tongues were demanded of me in the church I grew up in, I left that church as a teenager, and went to a church where repentance was taught, and preached.

      While I appreciate your recipe in how I should study the Bible, I really suggest you read through my writings as a Christian. I can promise you I have prayed and I have read much more than 30 minutes a day.

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